Unpublished Journal Entry

Here is a unpublished (I think) journal entry from a bit back,
but worth reading I guess..

**

Sometimes whilst I am working I like to write imaginary novels.

Plot out beauitfully written books which sometimes can be thousands
of pages long, beauitful, haunting characters who may or may not
wander towards their almost certain doom with a ironic chuckle and
never give up no matter what...


Other times I tend to drift back to realitly,
often in-between mountains of paper work I ended up
having to type up a 14 page report in just over 2 hours today which
was not nice, but at least the day went quick and
think often of something
I read the other night or in some cases find things

at the bottom of my bag, which in some cases may Have been there for ages
and ages

This happened earlier on today oddly enough, when flicking through my bag I
came across a print-out of a short piece of poetic prose / diary extract
from a dead american painter / writer called "David Wojnarowicz" whom I
first became familar with through a short novel of his called "Seven Miles
a Second" which I picked up by chance and was shocked, but also oddly interested by.

The piece I picked up was a short piece, the last piece he wrote just
before his death from Aids called "Spiral".

The last paragraph sticks
in my head, even now somewhat hours later and to finish I'll quote it to
you

"I am standing among all of you waving my invisible arms and hands.
I am shouting my invisible words.
I am getting so weary. I am growing so tired.

I am waving to you from here.
I am crawling around looking for the
aperture of complete and final emptiness.

I am vibrating in isolation among you.
I am screaming but it comes out like pieces of clear ice.
I am signaling that the volume of all this is too high.
I am waving.
I am waving my hands.
I am disappearing.
I am disappearing but not fast enough. "

Considering this is likely enough to be his last will and testment, it
also sums all of us up in one way or the other, no matter how hard we try
or fight, We are disappearing but not fast enough - in my case under
mountains of paperwork still shouting my invisible words...