Johnny Depp monologue

Dear all;

Another bit of fun writing.. Did this for my writing group (http://www.boltoncommunity.co.uk/haulgh-writers-group) which some of you know I go to frequently as a laugh a week or two ago.

What we had to do was do a monlogue on a famous person and place them in a unusual situation... I decided to do mine on JD of course, but place him in the situation of in a Job Centre / Employment Centre (Not sure what it is called in America or anywhere not in England) having to try to find a new job, and the monologue in question is what happened when he was asked what he had done for a living previously….

Let me know what you think if you like...

Andrew


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Notes taken from an interview with an Advisor during a New Claims Interview at a local Job Centre

(Taken 1st November 2004)


What have I done for a living?

What have I done?

God, where do I start?

Well, firstly I was in a band. God, were we shit hot, well occasionally but usually just more shit to be truthful. I can remember us once writing a song about Michael Stipe. Yeah, him from R.E.M, which is just plain sad if you think about it to yourself, in particular if you heard their last album or two.

I’ve been a construction labourer, a gas-station attendant, a car mechanic but I was useless at that, which is ironic considering how cars I’ve broken down in and then got going afterwards or like the time when I played Edward. Nearly cut my bloody throat open with those bloody scissors every time I had to attach them onto my hands. I must have spent almost as much time oiling them as actually putting the bloody things on.

So I’m an actor?
(Laughs)

Well, I suppose you could say I am, although when I played Edward it was debateable if you would call that acting. Believe me, it hurt like hell every time I moved in that sodding black cat suit, but I had a hoot making it, almost as much as when I made Ed a couple of years later again with Tim.

Ed?

Sorry.

Ed Wood.

You’ve never heard off him? He was just some crackpot director in the 1950’s who made some of the worst films that were ever made.

Plan 9 from Outer Space?

You’ve never heard of that. Now that is honestly such a bad film, it is actually quite good. He used Bela Legosi who is / was some 40’s horror legend akin to Boris Kaloff if my memory is correct to play some role in the film and the bugger actually went and died during the production of it, and he replaced him with some bloke who was about 6 foot 5 and looked absolutely nothing like him and got him walking around for the full film with a cape covering his entire face, so nobody could make out what he looked like.

Yeah, I know it sounds completely crazy.

It is.

What sticks in my head however for the full of that film was the fact I ended up having to wear lady underwear for large chunks of it. It still freaks Vanessa out about that. Every time she mislays one of her pairs of knickers or her bra, which usually one of the kids have moved she still blames me “You’ve not been trying my knickers on again, Johnny have you?”

Women…

(Laughs)

I give you. You can love and hate them at the same time sometimes, but back to your point…

What films have I starred in? Christ, where do I start? Savvy…. Did I say that? I end up saying that sometimes without even realising even since I did Pirates.

I had a couple of kids say that down at Convent Garden the other week to me. I nearly dropped my cup of coffee when they said to me. “You’re Captain Jack Sparrow aren’t you, Savvy…?”

I love kids honestly. Well, sometimes apart from when you have to change their nappers and you have to explain to them that chocolate factories don’t exist. Mine can’t wait until I play Willa Wonka, although I can, as I’m already sick to death of eating chocolate. If I have to eat any more chocolate sauce, I can tell you honestly I will honestly pop, but that’s a story for another day, but to answer your question, I’m an actor – done loads of films, some of which you may know, others perhaps not.

What would I like to do now?

Sleep…